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My Standup Comedy
You know, everyone nowadays has a cell phone.
It's like their lives orbit around that rectangular piece
of steel...and it's not even a sphere!
I can’t disagree though…I’m one of those
people that just can’t part with their phone.
Every few minutes I’ll be checking my phone. (mimes
checking phone) Oh look! I have…zero missed calls, zero
new texts, the Facebook frontier is quiet…
Then I remember I’ve had zero incoming calls, zero texts,
and I have three friends on Facebook: mom, dad, and grandma. I
used to have four but then grandpa died.
Anyways, I’ll still be sitting there, or standing there,
no difference, with my phone, just messing around with it.
I have one of those sliding phones…(towards audience) how
many of you guys have those sliding phones?
Well you guys know how addicting it is to just slide the phone
back and forth? *click, clack, click, clack*
It’s lots of fun until suddenly, I get a call from my mom
wondering why I called. *hello? Oh hi mom….no I
didn’t mean to call you…no I’m not at a bar
right now…yes I know I don’t have a
boyfriend…no need to rub it in…no! do not set me
up with someone! Um I really have to go um…make dinner.
Yes, at 2AM! Love you (shake head mouthing not really).
Later on, I’m going to bed…getting real
sleepy…*ALERT ALERT. ALERT ALERT*
I jumped out of bed, wide awake, grab the gun I always keep by
me in case my feelings get hurt or something...you know.
I’m going around corners like they do in the movies,
looking all cool like James Bond in his dino jammies.
I get the the room where I still hear *ALERT ALERT. ALERT
ALERT!* going off…and I realize it was my phone.
Nothing like a text alert full volume at 3 in the morning to
get the blood flowing!
Someone actually texted me! It was…my mom.
Let’s see…I read my mom’s message first. It
says that grandma died. Damnit! Now I only have two friends on
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Founded by Steve & Judy